Beloved Pain
by Starflow
Summary: My first-born..! As an X fanfic author I'm new. So, R&R please!rnRated for yaoi and suicide, I didn't consider it worthy of M, though. SxS, and the story is mostly Subaru whining or analyzing his relationship to Seishirou. Oh and it's one-shot. Try it out


Origin: X 1999

Disclaimer: Of course these characters and X 1999 and TB and so on are all CLAMP's, not mine. If they were mine, I wouldn't be living in a small town writing fanfics, but in a big city with enough money to publish books or whatever. So please don't sue me. We all know that it would be ridiculous.

Genre: Angst, angst, angst... Some romance, of course, actually quite a lot of it.

Rating: T for yaoi (even rather straight-forward yaoi so beware) and suicide. This is SxS so you know the drill. I don't consider the "story" quite worthy of M.

Author's notes and summary: This is my first ever posted fic. It's also the first X fic I have ever typed down, and I hope it doesn't suck too bad. It's about Subaru, mostly it's him wallowing in his despair. Oh and definitely yaoi, very much of that, even. I have no idea why I love the idea of writing SxS yaoi, but hey – most people don't. This is a one-shot story, and I know it's not too original but I am not directly copying or anything like that, either! So, R&R, please, and enjoy it if you can.

* * *

Beloved Pain

by Starflow

* * *

In his head, mist, heavy and merciful mist. He scarcely realized that he had drifted from dreams to reality again and the world around him was hell again. His eyes just wouldn't open, out of sudden fear he tried to return to his slumber once again. Nightmares, dreams, hallucinations – what ever they were, they were so much more pleasant than reality. He knew now, that he wouldn't be able to pretend to be tired anymore. Even his brain was too awake now.

He turned to touch the body he had fallen asleep with. As his hand hit the sheets, he understood, that the man was already gone. He never stayed the night. Never. Subaru had fallen asleep, breathing his scent instead of air, clinging to him, feeling his body next to his own, closing his young eyes with no innocence left inside of him. Last night, somewhere during the darkest hours, Subaru had fallen asleep.

Now, in the morning, the warmth of the man he had fallen asleep with was no longer there. Sakurazuka Seishirou never stayed the night.

Subaru sat up. He was naked, as always on mornings like this. How could he not have been, after what they had done last night, once again. The young man looked around him and made sure Seishirou-san was not in the shower, either, listening to possible presence noises. The flat was cold and lonely again. Seishirou-san had only left half a pack of cigarettes for the young man to remember him by.

Sumeragi Subaru was not normal. He knew, that no normal person would have constantly had sex with the murderer of his sister. He also knew that no normal person could have possibly let a relationship like this go on. Loveless, one might say. Subaru took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair.

Subaru then reached out to take a cigarette from Seishirou-san's memento pack. Mild Seven, always Mild Seven. He lit it using his own lighter, and inhaled in deep thought. The sun was shining coldly and Subaru sat on the edge of his bed, naked, smoking a cigarette left by his lover.

Loveless...

Subaru had just called their relationship loveless. Now, as he blew the smoke out, he did some pondering on it and felt ashamed of himself. How could he have used that word? Indeed it was not loveless... Subaru loved Seishirou-san with all his heart. Not only had he given his heart to the assassin, but his soul and body as well. His mind was haunted by the memory of Seishirou-san's presence and so all of him belonged to that one man, murderer and merciless lover, a man who had no regrets and who felt no sorrow. Subaru truly loved Sakurazuka Seishirou, and at the same time the young man hated everything about the target of his longing.

"We will both burn in hell for this", said he aloud, blowing out another lungful of smoke. He tortured himself for a brief moment, reliving the passionate moments they had shared that night. Every time Seishirou decided to take the offered body, Subaru felt sick pride.

It was him who Seishirou wanted, needed and longed for. Subaru, and no one else. In the assassin's eyes Subaru saw this truth, and every time he had to look up into them to make sure. Subaru got jealous so easily nowadays. As he inhaled, he smiled in self-irony. He was a fool. He thought Seishirou could be seeing someone else as well, although he knew that he and he alone was the man's private toy. Seishirou-san needed no one else. Subaru was always available prey, in so many ways.

Sumeragi Subaru got up and put out the cigarette. He had sat still long enough. Next, as always after being left alone by Seishirou-san, he put his pants back on. Walking to the window he ran his fingers through his black hair again, and sighed.

"How much longer will this go on, Seishirou-san?" whispered he to the window. "How much more can we take? How many battles, games, heartbreaks and bursts of pleasure?"

Knowing, that the window would give no answer, Subaru turned his back on it. He made his bed and got properly dressed, and put his long white coat on. He would eat breakfast on the way, if at all. The exorcist had work to do.

As Sumeragi Subaru closed the door, he suppressed his emotions. Pulling his white coat on he left the flat and focused on the job that he had ahead of him. The Sakurazukamori would be back, like always. Now, however, Subaru should be satisfied with the amount of pleasure he had felt and made his lover feel, forgetting all hopes and dreams. This was such a regular, routine-like morning. Seishirou appeared at his doorway in the evening, he let the man in. He offered his body to the man again, Seishirou took it. He lay beside the man, clinging to him, and fell asleep. In the morning Seishirou-san was gone, and Subaru was left awaiting his next visit.

* * *

It was morning now, Subaru realized. He expected to see Seishirou-san's cigarettes, lighter or handkerchief, something on the bedside table like in numerous occasions before this.

Subaru opened his eyes, after making sure the man wasn't there this morning, just in case. And as he felt the usual pain reigning inside him, he looked around the room, in search of the memento.

The young man's eyes widened. He was shocked, hurt, confused. Subaru got up, naked, and searched the flat systematically and thoroughly through. Surely there had to be something. During all these years Seishirou-san had never left him without a memento, one of those little things that were there to remind him that the assassin was always somewhere out there.

"How can this be..?" mumbled Subaru in horror. He leant against the wall and let himself drop to the floor, slowly. His naked body felt vivid and needy, as always after Seishirou-san had left, and the wall was cool and soothing. Subaru couldn't understand what could possibly be going on and why the man had left him nothing.

He was so shocked, that he skipped breakfast and morning duties, just sitting there on the floor. Subaru knew, that this was out of the ordinary. In fact he thought to himself, that the man might return that following night. They had only done it a few times the night before, for Seishirou had come to him so late that he had been somewhat tired already. That was one of the little things why Subaru got so much climactic experiences from sleeping with the assassin...

Seishirou always respected his wishes, if he said he was too tired or not in the mood for more. Yes, the Sakurazukamori took him if it happened to be what the assassin wanted. But after all these years, Subaru had learned, that raping the young man or doing his body with nothing in return didn't please Seishirou. No, Seishirou always wanted him to be at his best. When Subaru had first confessed that he felt exhausted, Seishirou had looked at him in confusion.

'What do you mean you're too tired?'

Subaru had said, that unfortunately he couldn't do that one certain thing Seishirou had asked of him, not now, not with this kind of tired body. The assassin had indeed been mad at him for that sort of moodiness... And Subaru had told the man to take him, even rape him. It was not that Subaru himself had wanted it, but that he was afraid Seishirou-san might leave. So Seishirou had taken him by force, one-sidedly, and it had hurt. Subaru had been in pain, and it had felt like an eternity. The disappointed assassin had finally pulled away from him, and immediately the young man had turned away and tried to sleep, shaking and hurting, in tears.

'Are you crying?' had Seishirou asked, silently, with no anger in his voice. Subaru had tried to say no, but he couldn't get a word out. He'd sobbed. Every inch of his body hurt in a terrible way and he knew he was bleeding. 'Look at me, Subaru-kun', had the demanding voice said. As Subaru refused to turn over, Seishirou had grabbed him and turned him face to face with his lover. 'You're crying, Subaru-kun.' Yes, Subaru had indeed cried. His large green eyes, so filled with tears, were the eyes of a broken angel, an angel whose wings had been cut. Seishirou had cut them. And he had so naively asked the killer to do it, in such innocent state of mind he had thought, that being taken by force couldn't be horrible if done by the one you love.

'Let me be', Subaru had sobbed to the confused man. 'Please let me be...' And Seishirou had not listened to him. Of course not. The assassin had pulled him closer, and just as he had feared another experience like that, the man had softly kissed his forehead, gently embraced him and said:

'Please don't cry, my Subaru-chan. Please, don't cry.'

Now, as Subaru sat there, those words kept echoing inside his head. It was the only time Seishirou had ever called him that. 'My' often, the 'please'-part was hard to imagine. The 'Subaru-chan', however, was something that had kept his fire burning all these years. Even when Seishirou didn't appear in months, and Subaru's frustration and jealousy grew to inhuman measures, those words had kept the love alive. Something in that nickname had stuck with him, always giving him hope. Hope, that the man might love him back. Seishirou seldom called him anything but Subaru-kun, and Subaru himself called the man Seishirou-san. Only during the darkest hours, moments of blinding pleasure, Subaru could leave the suffix out. The bright and pure scream, 'Seishirou..!', danced through the night at those times and mixed with the other man's gasping laughter...

Hours went by, as did days. Subaru didn't leave his flat. He was fully clothed now, though, and he knew on some level that he had jobs waiting for him. It all seemed so irrelevant to him. All he wanted was Seishirou-san's familiar glance upon his face, those hungry lips on his mouth, those experienced and gracefully demanding hands on his skin, that heavy body on top of his... That was all he could think about. This time everything was different. Seishirou wasn't coming back, Subaru knew it now. The assassin had left him with no hopes of feeling that familiar mixture of pleasure and pain running through his veins, ever again.

It was at that time, that the Dragons of Heaven first started to come to Tokyo. The Seals, and Subaru was destined to be one of them. No matter how long he had known the Sakurazukamori, how long he had loved that murderer, the sand in their hourglass was almost all gone.

* * *

Subaru now sat in a comfortable room, in fact he was at a restaurant with a few other Seals.

"More ice cream, Subaru?" asked Kamui, a little less stressed out than usually. Sorata was waving at the waitress, to help her navigate in the crowded room. She was carrying another round of drinks for them.

"No thank you", replied the sorcerer, taking the glass Sorata was passing to him. "It's all melted anyway."

"Cheers for that", laughed Sorata, and the toast was approved of.

The three young male Seals had come to this restaurant to have fun, nothing more. The girls were doing something on their own, as were Karen and Aoki-san. Sorata had heard of this restaurant, in which they could eat and get drunk with no chance of trouble. It was an infamous place, but all in all it wasn't really that bad. Subaru was old enough to get in, and the other two had passed the inspection when he had said they were old enough. That was how much this place obeyed laws and orders.

"I feel like having one more", suggested Kamui, who was seldom this relaxed. It was all thanks to Sorata's persistent ideas for cheering him up a bit. At this point, they had all drunk too much already. Still, one more round was ordered.

"I really have to go after this one", giggled Subaru. "It's late, and we have evil guys to deal with in the morning."

"Me too", nodded Sorata happily. He was most likely planning on seeing Arashi before actually going to bed. Everybody knew that he would be wasting his time again, since being drunk and even less smart than usually was probably not the best way to win the young woman's heart. "I have a lady to kiss goodnight."

The other two laughed. Kamui's smile faded a bit, as he said:

"No, you don't. But the two of us here are even less fortunate – Subaru lives solo, whereas my girl died and then there's always Fuuma..."

Subaru patted him on the shoulder, trying to keep his focus. The onmyouji said:

"There's nothing wrong with you, if that's what you think. Nor being bisexual, you know. At least you get the best of both sides."

"I'll drink to that", laughed Kamui. "I will have to try and keep that in mind when I next see Fuuma."

They drank. And so, Subaru was the first to leave. Kamui and Sorata were going the same way, by subway, but he lived only a few blocks away. Subaru was indeed very drunk tonight...

Humming a song of some kind, Subaru reached his own door. But then, he realized he didn't have any cigarettes with him or in his flat. He has smoked them all and intended to buy more tonight, but that plan had somehow slipped his mind.

"Never too late for cigarettes", said he to himself and walked outside again.

As he was making his way to the closest possible shop, one that would still be open, his head started to clear. It was still foggy and jolly everywhere, but he could think again.

Which was something he didn't want to do.

The street was quiet, and there weren't many people walking his way or meeting him. Subaru finally reached the shop, and after trying to enter it for a few times, he realized it was closed. Then he got a bright idea – that one particular newspaper stand was always open.

Sumeragi Subaru came to the newspaper stand, and it really happened to be open.

"My my, if it isn't young Sumeragi-san. How can I help you tonight, sir?" the man was tired and curious. Subaru said, mumbling a bit:

"I'd like one pack of Mild Seven... No... One pack of cigarettes... Please."

"What brand, sir?"

"...I..."

Subaru couldn't answer. He couldn't remember any cigarette brands that night, and he didn't want to ask for Mild Seven. It was, after all, Seishirou-san's brand.

"Sir?"

"He's taking that one pack of Mild Seven cigarettes, thank you very much."

As Subaru recognised the voice, his drunk happiness faded away. In shock, ready to burst to tears, he watched the man pay for the cigarettes. Sakurazuka Seishirou was wearing sunglasses and a suit, as always, though it was far past midnight. Subaru couldn't say a thing, neither could he smoke. Seishirou bid the salesclerk goodnight and took Subaru's hand. In silence the assassin led him back home.

"Let go of me", was Subaru able to mutter as the man had brought him to the door leading to that cold, lonely flat.

Seishirou-san smiled, in an inclined and amused way. He let go of Subaru's hand, but positioned himself between the young man and the door, so that Subaru would have to hear him out and had no place to run to. Subaru understood this, and suddenly all the pain was back.

"How can you do this to me, all over again?" started Subaru encouraged by those drinks he'd had that night. He stared at the assassin, who had now opened the cigarette pack, and taken one. Subaru automatically lit it, with his own lighter, and Seishirou-san laughed a little.

"I should have imagined you would be angry with me, Subaru-kun. And now... You just repeated the usual ritual, lighting my cigarette." The Sakurazukamori took off his sunglasses, and looked at Subaru, seemingly calm and puzzling. "You still look the same, I see... Just as adorable as ever..." Seishirou held out his hand to caress the young man's face.

Subaru felt so horrible that he could have cried. First this man had left him to wallow in his despair, then stayed out of his life, now appearing as if fate herself had something to do with it. Subaru hated fate, more than anything else. Or maybe not anything – his hatred for Seishirou and for himself was greater.

"Don't touch me", hissed Subaru with all his willpower, jerking away from the man.

The assassin's smile widened. Tilting his head back Seishirou-san said:

"I won't, then."

Subaru's mixed emotions must have been visible in his eyes, because the man laughed after saying this. Indeed Sakurazuka Seishirou knew, that not being touched by him was something Subaru had convinced himself to wish for, yet deep inside the younger man wanted him. Wanted him so badly... In Subaru's eyes the fire was stronger than ever – it must have been the alcohol.

"Why did you come here?"

The question was left hanging in the air. Seishirou was smoking with obvious enjoyment and Subaru pondered on this question himself. Maybe Seishirou-san had just felt like coming over, for a bit of enjoyment, naturally. Or maybe he had come to kill his enemy – which Subaru would have gladly had him do. Or maybe the only reason the man was there was to mess with Subaru's head.

"Should we continue this conversation inside, Subaru-kun?" the man asked, looking at the neighbours who were watching them. Subaru jumped at the question. The assassin seldom showed decency like this, it was as if Seishirou-san didn't want Subaru to have to explain himself to the gossip club later on. If Subaru hadn't been drinking that night, he would have understood that something had to be wrong. Seishirou had to have a very good reason for coming tonight, because he was showing such alarming concern.

Slowly, Subaru nodded. The assassin's eyes flashed in amusement. Seishirou-san moved aside and Subaru took out his keys to open the door. He felt his heart racing in a familiar way again, as the man stood very close to him, and he opened the door.

"This place still looks exactly the same, I see", sighed Seishirou-san, as the door was open. He put out the cigarette and took off his coat. Subaru automatically took the coat and hung it up. Getting rid of his own coat as well, Subaru realized that once again, the assassin was in control. Soon he would lie on his back, on the bed, with Seishirou-san's weight on him... "What are you thinking about, Subaru-kun? On this very moment?"

"I'm wondering why you're here", replied the young man, lying a little. Most of his brain was focusing on the thought of undressing the assassin and begging for one more night with him. "Seishirou-san."

His voice had broken. The assassin leant his head to the left and said:

"It must have caused you great pain to say my name aloud."

"I've felt worse."

Now the man laughed. Subaru tried to keep himself from admiring how good the assassin looked at that very moment, failing miserably. He just stood there, under that same spell, that charm. His love for this man and the lust he felt.

"And I am to blame, isn't that right, Subaru-kun?" Seishirou-san seemed calm and amused. Even in this situation he wasn't sorry and had no regrets. "I know you hate me for what I did to you, but you must understand that I did it for your own good. We both know I can make you feel good, don't we..." Seishirou-san stepped closer to the young man and touched his lips with his fingers. Subaru closed his eyes for a moment and the assassin whispered: "I've missed what we had for such a long time."

That was reason enough for the drunk and needy Subaru. He had never been one to be in control, but now the situation was different. All he could think about was the way his heartbeat was telling him that this was the man he had always loved. Subaru hit Seishirou-san's hand aside, and with new-born courage in his eyes he grabbed the man by the shoulders. The look on Seishirou-san's face was very unusual of him – Subaru had never done this kind of things before. Seishirou didn't resist, and Subaru pushed him towards the bed. With a surprised look in his eyes the assassin let him get rid of the clothing that was on the way. Subaru didn't know what he was thinking, mounting Seishirou-san like this, but he didn't really care either.

Subaru lay on top of the laughing Seishirou, out of breath and unable to think.

Seishirou-san wrapped his arms around the young man, gasping:

"Now this is what I call a change of mind..."

Subaru couldn't answer him. He felt so mixed up. At the same time he was proud of his boldness, and ashamed of himself. On the other hand he was confused and worried, and then again – he had just had sex with Seishirou-san so he was feeling very satisfied indeed.

"I..." tried he, breathing heavily and resting in the assassin's arms. "I... I'm sor- sorry... Seishirou-san..."

The Sakurazukamori just laughed. Seishirou-san was most definitely not mad at him.

"Don't worry", laughed the man, and moved Subaru to lie next to him instead of on top of him. Seishirou looked into those young and loving eyes and kissed his prey. Or maybe this time Subaru was his equal, not prey, seeing as it had been he who had done the hunting – for once.

"Are... You alright?" asked Subaru innocently, scarcely looking at the man.

"Yes", answered Seishirou in amusement. The assassin fondled the face of the young man and buried one hand in his silky, black hair. "Subaru..." Leaving the suffix out, he was paying the young onmyouji a compliment. Subaru closed his eyes and touched the face of the man in return, placing his other hand against Seishirou-san's chest.

"I've missed you so much", wheezed Subaru and adorably kissed the fingertips of the assassin as Seishirou went on caressing him. "Missed you like hell, Seishirou-san."

"I know that", smiled Seishirou, and pulled the young man closer again. "At least by now I do."

Subaru gave an apologizing laugh. Seishirou heard it and leant to kiss Subaru, slowly taking over, again.

* * *

In the morning Subaru's head hurt. He knew it was because of the drinking, but judging by the memories he had gained last night, some of it was due to lack of sleep. Now, he was afraid to open his eyes – not only because he knew light would make him feel sick, but also because he would have to see if Seishirou had left him anything. He turned to face the bedside table and on a count to three he blinked his eyes open.

As expected, the assassin had left him nothing. No cigarettes, no handkerchiefs, no lighter. Subaru twisted in pain, both physical and mental. He had to go throw up, but it was nothing compared to the disappointment concerning Sakurazuka Seishirou. Leaving him again, with no hints at meeting in the future – Subaru's heart ached as he washed his face. The onmyouji looked into the mirror and wondered what it was that Seishirou-san feared about the mornings. Commitment might have been a good word, but seeing as the two of them had been together for such a long time already, commitment had already been born between them. Subaru would dedicate his life to that man, and Seishirou – whether he admitted it or not – was bound to the young onmyouji for life as well. Subaru had seen it in Seishirou's eyes so many times that he knew it for a fact. That was why it hurt so much, being left this way. Subaru knew his love was insatiable, unbreakable, eternal. Seishirou knew it as well. So why did the assassin play these games, why did he hurt Subaru all over again? More importantly – why had Seishirou-san decided to change the game, refusing to leave Subaru waiting for his return, as if the assassin wanted to leave him for good?

Subaru decided to skip breakfast. He would have to meet Kamui and the others at princess Hinoto's, and he only had two hours until that. He might as well walk there, remembering the Sakurazukamori, emotionally crumbling as he was. And so, Subaru went to make the bed and get dressed.

The sudden shock was too much for him. He dropped the glass of water that he had been holding in his hand and collapsed to the floor, and on his knees he stared at the sight in front of him. His blood rushed through his veins, and he could only hear his own heartbeat, nothing else.

Seishirou-san was looking at him, lying on the bed, just woken up, and obviously amused.

"Good morning to you too, Subaru-kun", smiled the assassin in a cruel way. Seishirou's hair was messed up and he was obviously still naked between the sheets. "Are you having a hangover – this morning of all mornings?"

"Seishirou-san!" gasped Subaru in shock. His legs were somewhat gracefully positioned, he looked surreal, sitting there on the floor with shards of glass surrounding him. His eyes were wide open and in them, Seishirou saw unimaginable affection. Subaru had not even thought of him possibly still being there, as the man never stayed the night.

The Sakurazukamori sat up and took a cigarette, lighting it up with his own lighter.

"I should have imagined you would at least greet me before rushing to the toilet."

"Seishirou-san", wheezed Subaru, starting to get his act together, and stood up. "How come..?"

"Are you not pleased about it, then?" The assassin blew the smoke out, looking so attractive that Subaru suddenly felt the need to return to bed, just to be closer to him. Seishirou watched the young man approach him and smiled in amusement. "Really, you don't look too pleased."

Subaru sat down and took a cigarette as well. Lighting it, he looked at the man.

"You know what I meant."

"Yes", said Seishirou, with no intention of telling Subaru why he had stayed. For a moment they sat there, smoking, and looking at each other. Feasting their eyes on each other. When Seishirou had finished his cigarette, Subaru put his out. The young man then lay down, and asked:

"Do you plan on staying long?"

"I always have time for one more time", replied Seishirou, not answering the question. Subaru didn't get to ask him more, though, because he pulled the young man against him once more. As Seishirou's hand slid down Subaru's body, Subaru let the assassin kiss him and lead him back to that sinful bliss. A deep kiss, passionate and hungry... Hands and lips everywhere on his skin... That fastening heartbeat synchronising with his own, that familiar and still secret-holding body sheltering his thin and graceful body from the world, around him, on him, inside of him...

As Subaru got off the subway, Seishirou-san stayed there.

"When will I see you again?"

But the question was not answered. The man said nothing, and the eyes covered by sunglasses were unreachable. The train left and Subaru stood all alone at the station, his heart aching and Seishirou-san's warmth and scent still around him.

* * *

One man pulls his arm back, aims at the heart, strikes. The other man does nothing to protect himself. As they are back on the ground, the one who struck is the one bleeding.

And now, as Seishirou's body was getting cold in his arms, Subaru wept. He cried for his lover, the only person who had ever made him feel this way. The pain Subaru felt was enormous, for it was the pain that lost love brings.

Kamui stood there, watching, as did the rest of the Seals. They could never understand the kind of pain he was filled with, not now, and not ever. Subaru let his tears mix with Seishirou's blood and held him tighter. Why, oh, why did life have to be so hard on him? Subaru would never forget the words Seishirou had finally let him hear, before parting for all eternity. No, not eternity – but for good. Because should Subaru die, he would meet his lover again. Now, that word had even more meaning – now that Subaru had finally heard Seishirou say those words he had been longing to hear. Hysterically crying, Subaru would have wanted to answer the man with 'I love you too, always have and always will', but it was too late. All the hatred had turned into love as well, and Subaru had never been in more pain than he was now. He felt like he could die of a broken heart any minute, and the body he spasmodically held against his own was all he had left in this world.

Subaru wanted to die. He wanted it so much. Seishirou had known that, but not given him the death he longed for. Seishirou was so selfish, and Subaru so selfless – oh, how many times the assassin had made it clear to the young man that Subaru's selflessness was what kept the world turning for Seishirou himself.

During all those nights and especially that last one, the two of them had been on a different level. No battles, no death, except for the slow dying of their souls. And when they fought, it was an endless dance of death. The Seishirou in Subaru's bed and the Seishirou the world knew and feared were one, but not the same. Only Subaru had ever been allowed to see the man care for another person. The cold smile on the murderer's face as he killed, and the smile of ecstasy he wore as he lay motionless on Subaru's sweaty body – two different people smiling. Those graceful fingers commanding the darkest of magic, and those gentle, exploring fingers wandering on Subaru's skin – the hands of two different people. That firm voice that could make anyone shiver, and that suppressed voice wheezing silent words into Subaru's ear – voices of two so different people. Now, on this moment, those two Seishirous were one and Subaru knew, that he had loved them both. They had both loved him back as well, but played games all along.

Subaru didn't know how and when he had gotten home. Washing the blood from his hands he was in a trance-like state, Seishirou's final words echoing inside his head, heart and soul. Finally, his body was freed of the lust, no longer awaiting another embrace. He knew he would never get to feel it again, and it hurt even more than not knowing when Seishirou would appear – he had thought life was bad before, and now he knew, that no matter how much pain he had felt, it had been nowhere near this. Subaru had gotten used to pain, he had learned to live with it and draw energy from it. But this kind of deadly, painful void... Subaru spoke to Kamui, and the words were actually directed at himself. It didn't matter to him if Kamui was there or not.

He would never meet Seishirou-san again. Never, ever in this world. And silently, firmly, Subaru decided to live only a little while longer. To see the end of the battle. No matter what the outcome... Subaru would join his lover after it, carrying all the pain within him on to the afterlife.

* * *

The sakura was waving in the wind. Everything was over, thought Subaru. This was where it had begun, and now it would end here. The bet...

Sumeragi Subaru, the heir to his clan and to the assassin clan of the Sakurazukamori, took the knife he had carried around since the last battle. He also thought about purifying, exorcising himself – but decided to leave it undone. After all, Seishirou was most certainly not in Heaven.

He laughed to himself, dryly. He knew nobody would understand why he was doing this. Seishirou might have wanted him to live on, without him, in pain and solitude. Subaru could imagine him nodding, thinking exactly that way.

Now that he had had time to think about it all, he'd realized, that Seishirou-san had planned it all in advance. Subaru was the one person who had ever made the assassin feel – and not only that, he had been able to make Seishirou feel strongly. Love, hatred, desire to protect... Subaru had introduced the cold man to so many different emotions from lust to threatened feelings. And Subaru was strong in the art of onmyouji magic... Although Subaru didn't know why Seishirou had tried to protect him by leaving him that one morning, he knew the assassin had intended for it to be a permanent ending. Then, somehow, someway, Sakurazuka Seishirou had realized that the path he was following would come to an end soon. Seishirou had come back to Subaru, because he'd known that there was nothing left to lose and that he needed to feel Subaru's love once more before the end. And Seishirou had planned his own death, on his terms, his rules. He had passed the torch to the only man who could possibly be worthy of it – his lover, the white onmyouji, thirteenth head of the Sumeragi Clan. By dying in Subaru's arms that day Seishirou had played the game to the end. Two men are destined to be mortal enemies, the powers of light and darkness... They end up in love... And one of them forces the other to kill him, uniting the two clans and leaving the world in horror...

"Always so selfish", said he to the memory, touching sakura blossoms with his fingers. He recalled that voice calling him kind, at Rainbow Bridge that night. Subaru had decided to be selfish, for this one time. He was the Sakurazukamori now, and being selfish was one of his new duties. He then positioned himself against the tree and said silently: "I hereby end the ring of yin-yang masters, as the last of the Sumeragi clan and the Sakurazukamori. I now declare that we have gone a full circle. It all ends here today."

As he felt his warm blood flowing down his body, he closed his eyes. The fluid burnt his skin, his blood was hot from all the sinful pain and pleasure it carried in it... He could almost hear Seishirou-san's voice. Somewhere in his soul a sparkle of innocence, goodness, died. Subaru's breath was heavy, he coughed up blood. Was this how Seishirou had felt that day on Rainbow Bridge? Bleeding, losing grip of reality, hurting. Every thought came slower and more misty than the previous one and he focused on the image of Seishirou's face.

"I can see you again", coughed Subaru, as his life came to an end. "Are you not pleased about it, Seishirou-san, my beloved bringer of pain?"


End file.
